Look what I made!

[Cocoa meringue doodie cookie!]

I've never had a sweet tooth, especially for strange extra sweet confections like meringue cookies [jump to thekitchn.com] that look like CJ7 left behind. Unfortunately for me (and those subject to my confections), the egg whites didn't hold their form so the cookies kind of collapsed into its turd form.




[A pilfered image of CJ7 from eastday.com who probably pilfered it from the film distributors. Gotta love China!]

Though meringue doesn't require cream of tartar, the acidity helps neutralize the alkalinity in egg whites to give them stability and volume, making the doodie cookies less doodie-like!

My mistake was substituting lime juice for cream of tartar (3 times the required amount of cream of tartar) which added liquid to the egg whites, thus adding water in addition to acidity... big meringue-o no-no!

(Evidently, if you rub cut lemons around the inside of a bowl and let it dry, the white powdery citric acid that is left behind is a good substitute for cream of tartar).

Easter marshmallow kebabs

You won't believe what I've finally seen for the first time ever: Peeps (be forewarned: the site plays slightly annoying Danny Elfman-esque inspired music*)! The Americans have finally invaded downtown Canada!


[Yellow Peeps... kind of gross since they're all conjoined at the wing.]

I have long heard about these baby fowl-shaped marshmallow things through Frawley but had never seen them in the flesh until this week. I thought they would make great skewered treat!


[Remember to thread head through bottom for optimal stability.]

And for extra crispness, a brief scorching over open flames!**

[Toasted Easter marshmallow kababs!]

And there, you have a great little caremelized marshmallow kebab to share with the kiddies!

Happy day of messianic resurrection!

* I love love love Danny Elfman but the Peeps music is nowhere near Danny Elfman calibre.
** CHILDREN: Do not try this without adult supervision.

Unpronounceable Thai banana coconut dessert

I'm wondering how many dental cavities/fillings on average people in Thailand get by the time they're 30. Seemingly, desserts are plentiful and sweet as water bomb revenge on an insecure elementary school bully dream bars but much more appetizing-looking.

My brother, subordinatechow, who has been there numerous times, claims they don't have as many cavities as I conjecture.

Until the truth behind Thai dental cavities is revealed, one should enjoy these Thai delights, like this banana coconut milk dessert.

(I can't pronounce it, but i think it's kluay butt cheek (กล้วยบวชชี), but it's possible that my Thai really improved since my first beer today or that I'm really, really wrong.)

[Bananas in warm coconut milk]

Here's how I made mine:

3 ripe bananas, cut into 1-inch (2.5cm) slices (and/or halved lengthwise, and then cut into slices)
1 can coconut milk
1/3 cup (75ml) granulated sugar
3/4 tsp (4ml) salt
vanilla to taste (use no more than 1/2 tsp (2ml)) (if you dislike it, let it go the way of the unicorns)

1. In a saucepan, heat coconut milk with sugar at medium-high to dissolve the sugar.
2. Add salt to coconut milk.
3. Add banana slices to the coconut milk and cook until softened slightly and heated through.
   The important thing here is not to overcook them or you'll get soggy bananas, which is worse than an itch on a body part you can't readily reach.  
4. Remove from heat and add vanilla.
5. Pour into serving bowls and make it fancy with some toasted sesame seeds. Fancy!

On that thought, maybe there's a lot of money to be made as a dentist in Thailand...

m-m-m-my my my macarons

i've been spoiled! my cousin* rayray brought a boxful of ladurée's famous macarons back from paris, just in time for my birthday!

(the most intriguing flavour in the batch was cardamom but it was fantastic.)

and it also came in a new purse:

[fact(ually unproven): 96% of women in hong kong use paper shopping bags for purses. they are frequently filled with wallets, lunches, dried orange peels, fake eyebrows and ugly stuffed animals.]

* again, he's not exactly blood-related but closely related-enough that i can scold him for his foibles.

the shanghai conspiracy

there's a massive conspiracy in shanghai: the city wants you to be obese.

that's right: fat, lardy, paunchy, pudgy, rotund, decorated with flesh rolls (like frawley).

otherwise, they wouldn't taunt you with soup bowls of fresh hand-pulled noodles for 6 rmb (1 rmb extra for the egg)...


[fresh pulled noodle soup late night in some random part of town]

or racks of xiao long bao fit for a queen for under $3 cad each?

[the quintessential shanghai xiao long bao. i can eat a dozen right now.]


[oh look! my xiao long bao is swimming in the vinegar and ginger without its water wings!]


[crabmeat xiao long bao (ver. 2.0) from the most famous xiao long bao shop in shanghai, jia jia tang. they ran out of version 1.0 (pork buns).]


[hi, teenage dumpling makers!]

or piping hot, delectably delicious po-tat and cheese tarts for an hour's worth of parking in vieux montreal?

[portuguese egg tarts and cheese egg tarts (it sounds weird, but tastes almost like cheesecake) from a lillian cake shop.]

or greasy hangover-soothing nighttime street food so cheap and inviting, even if you weren't drunk, you'd want to be:

[night owl gao-tze for 5 RMB!]


[one of the many street food carts]

or even regular daytime street food for 11 rmb!


[shanghai noodles and fried rice]

or giant servings of deliciously fatty catfish swimming in fragrant chili oil for $5 cad?

[spicy joint's giant bowls of catfish in chili oil and broth]


[more spicy joint: shrimp in chili oil]


[spicy joint's pork belly with green chilis]

(btw, spicy joint wasn't that spicy.)

or these steamingly fresh big buns for a pittance:

[shanghai big chicken buns]

the city wants you fattened up. that's the conspiracy.

why? for the annual chinese new year sacrifice (already done and gone at this point). what do you think they make the red envelopes out of? might not be not paper after all...

恭喜發財!! happy year of the rabbit! 

Grammar lessons with roti bread

Welcome to English Grammar 301 with roti. Today's lesson is the word had: simple past or past participle of the verb to have.

Usage
- Correct: "My friend Rishi-rish and his better-half, Kirsty-rish had me over for supper." This implies that I was invited to the hosts' home to enjoy supper with them.
- Incorrect: "My friend Rishi-rish and his better-half, Kirsty-rish had me for supper." This implies that the hosts are heartless cannibals.

The next lesson in English Grammar 301: knead: to work and press into a mass (usually of dough). Not to be confused with homonym kneed, as in, "That fat man swiped my burger so I kneed him in the gonads".

Usage
- Correct: "To make roti, you knead the dough gently."
- Incorrect: "To make roti, you knead to punch the dough until your knuckles are sore."

Roti, by the way, is another flat Indian bread made of a semolina or whole wheat flour that (contrary to naan) isn't leavened... instead, the magic happens on your stovetop!


[Rishi-rish kneading the crap out of the roti dough! Actually, don't do that cause you'll get tough roti...]

Rishi-rish was kind enough to share his recipe with me, so I will kindly plug his Elephant Stone music project.

Here's how to knead your own!

Rishi-rish's roti
2 cups (500ml) atta (fine semolina flour, white or whole wheat flour)
3/4 cup (175ml) warm water
1 cup (250ml) extra atta for dusting
Butter or ghee (desi or vegetable)

Equipment:
- Tongs
- A tava or cast iron pan
- An open flame, or if that sounds treacherous to you, a heating element and metal stand over which you can suspend the roti like so:

1. Add atta into a large mixing bowl, and add a little bit of warm water at a time.
2. Continue to mix and knead dough until it reaches medium/soft consistency -- not quite bread dough, and definitely thicker than pancake batter.
3. Cover bowl with a clean dish towel and let it rest for 10 minutes.
4. Heat a cast iron skillet (tava) on medium heat.
5. Turn another element to high and place a raised metal stand over the element. This is used for finishing the roti.
6. Take a golf ball-sized ball of dough and dip it in extra atta.
7. Flatten the roti into a thin disk with your hands. Keep the unused dough covered. 
8. Lightly dust a rolling pin with atta and roll out the roti to 10cm diameter. Add a little atta to prevent it from sticking to the rolling surface.
9. Place roti on tava. When the roti's color darkens, flip it over using tongs and cook the other side.
10. When air bubbles appear on the roti, grab the roti with tongs or if you're a sadist, with your fingers, flip it over and place on the raised metal stand. 
11. When roti puffs up, remove from the stand using tongs and place in a plate or basket lined with a clean dish towel. It will unpuff as it cools. 
12. Rub roti and yourself with butter or ghee.
13. Repeat for remaining dough until you've finished the dough.  
14. Eat liberally with your favourite Indian dishes. 

* Er... you might have noticed that I have begun properly casing my entries, starting with this one. I figured if I help enforce the grammar police, then I might as well follow their own stupid rules. 

the last slice (of sectionable foodstuffs)

over the holidays (btw, happy 2011 to you all), i received criticisms from the complaint department that my blog is boring. i have since terminated that department and critic.

to celebrate his dismissal, i made a celebratory cake (modeled after belle of the bakery's version of the brooklyn brownout)! unfortunately, there wasn't much left by the time we finished celebrating.


[the last remaining piece of brooklyn brownout cake, maybe in the city, but it's long gone now.]

most everyone knows that the last slice of cake, pie or other divisible foodstuffs with nerdy arc lengths is always the most coveted... that the most delicious bite is the one that you can't ever have again... and that a chocolate layer cake will never go to waste¹. 


[brooklyn brownout cake = x^(brownies*ganache) ∫[2* (layers of mocha chocolate cake) / √(brownies*ganache)]

(i think the derivative to that differential is x=cake makes people crazy).

¹ watch until the end.