Easy and quick way to get your pomegranate fix and take out your frustrations

'Tis the season for one of the most tasty fruits ever: pomegranates. Pomegranates are to the fruit world what we might call auto-cockblockers: they're so difficult to peel and extract the fruit that it's like they purposefully evolved that way... hard-to-get, yet strangely making them more enticing, attractive... clever, but not more clever than us!

Thankfully, there is the Internets, and though it's 99% littered with garbage, the rest is actually useful; many bloggers/vloggers have shared many different ways to get to the pomegranate fruit (WHICH, technically-speaking are NOT the seeds, rather are the arils (or outgrowth) that contain the seeds).

Pomegranate arils

The easiest way I have found so far is whacking the fruit with a spoon (or in my case, was a tiny frying pan stolen from a tiny dwarf).

There is no longer any need to pick out every individual aril and sully your hands to get to the fruit. Let you your frustrations out and not get arrested! (Great for if your boss has been on your case for the tiniest, most irrelevant issues that don't prevent the job from getting done but because he is extremely uptight and missing the big picture... but I digress.)

Here's how to beat your pomegranate:

1. Score the pomegranate fruit all the way around its "equator" (crosswise, I guess). Don't slice too deeply into the fruit.
2. Twist both halves apart.
   

   

   A pomegranate split in half. O, the horror! 

3. Take one half and loosen the arils from the membrane (mesocarp) all the way around by gently pressing on the sides from the outside. Repeat massage with other half.
4. Hold the pomegranate half from underneath over a bowl with the open side downwards and smack the outer skin all the way around until all the arils have dropped into the bowl. Repeat the abuse with other half.
   

   

   Tap that pom.

And you're done. No peeling, no post-pom-peeling countertop murder scene (well, only a minor one at least).

Aftermath of the Pomegranate War of 2013. You could avoid this if you want by putting a dishcloth under the bowl.

(Thanks to via Lifehacker Whitson via boobtube user NaturalMarketer for the timesaving tip! Now I can get back to Minecraft King's Landing because "Winter is coming...")

Making sorbet mountains out of strawberry molehills (now with basil)

Outside of Quebec City in Canada lies a mysteriously beautiful little island that poops out the best strawberries this side of the planet that are not genetically engineered; it is called l'Île d'Orléans (Island of Orleans).

My cousin, RayRay, and my brother, Subordinate Chow along with Minimai picked a mounded box of fresh strawberries from l'Île Orléans and only ate five from the box cause they had gorged on them at the U-pick and refused to eat any more.

And of course, the garden is once again overrun with basil.

Pair these two annoying harvests together and you've got music, or at least this strawberry and basil sorbet.

Strawberry basil sorbet, always dairy-free. The ice cream scoop (a lovely gift from La Popoteuse) looks like it was involved in a murder. Because it was. 

In trying to figure out what to do with the strawberries, I learned that the main difference between sherbet and sorbet is not just a couple of letters! They both use pretty much the same ingredients (sometimes including alcohol, used to lower the freezing temperature) but the key difference is as follows:

• Sherbet: Contains milk, gelatin, or egg whites, usually butterfat content between 1% and 2%. 
• Sorbet: No dairy, egg or gelatin. Good for the lactose intolerant. 

So here's to getting rid of an excess of strawberries, especially overripe ones.

Strawberry basil sorbet
(makes about 1 litre)
Inspired by Alton Brown and A Cook and a Geek

• 2.5 litres of whole strawberries
• 1/2 cup (125ml) granulated sugar 
• 1/3 cup (75ml) light corn syrup (** corn syrup is less likely subject to crystallize than simple sugar syrup **)
• Handful of basil leaves
• 3 Tbs (45ml) lemon or lime juice
• 1 to 2 tsp (5 to 10ml) lemon or lime zest (use a Microplane grater to get finer zests (not an endorsement... just saying))
• 2 Tbs (30 ml) vodka (** makes it easier to scoop but is optional **)

1. Blend the bollocks out of the strawberries in a blender or food processor.
2. Add to the blender the sugar and syrup, vodka, lemon juice and zest.
3. Roll up the basil leaves into cigars to slice them thinly without crushing them (chiffonade), then put them in the blender and pulse until evenly combined. 
4. Freeze in ice cream/frozen yogurt, as per the instructions for your contraption.

Russian vodka is an excellent solute for freezing-point depression and post-exam depression. 

(And for those who hate basil, such as Frawley, you can refrain from using basil and instead use something like mint (using about the same amount) or experiment with lavender or pepper (though frankly, picking strawberry seeds from your teeth is enough of a pain in the arse that probably does not complement picking ground pepper out at the same time...)).

Bonus photo: [Left] My cousin RayRay and brother Subordinate Chow at Montmorency Falls circa 1989 and [right] circa 2013.  

Shiitake mushrooms are not all the same

If there was a contest, I vote Montreal's Chinatown(s) to be the worst Chinatown in North America. For a city this size, Montreal's Asian quarters are sad, especially for the sizeable East Asian population. The Asian supermarkets are overpriced, variety stinks and quality is meh, at best.

Take for example, the sorry state of shiitake mushroom selection in this city.

This is what you get at the local Loblaws chain (which also owns the T&T Supermarket chain):

[These shiitake mushrooms have an extra "i". Also, not much far off from the ones in our Azn groceries, but still...]

You can fool gweilo, but you can't fool a discerning Chinese glutton like me; calling that shiitake mushrooms is like calling Coors Lite "beer". Recommended use for these ones: chopped up in dumpling filling. I don't need to see that poppycock served to me.

And then there's what you can get, for example, in butt[expletive] suburbia from a random Asian grocery store in Markham, Ontario where Asian malls outnumber Tim Hortons franchises:

[Shiitake with distinctive crackles. Crackles on mushrooms are what sprinkles are to cupcakes.]

In Chinese cooking, the most revered grades of shiitake are winter mushrooms (dong gu) 冬菇, fragrant mushroom (heong gu) 香菇, and white flower mushroom (bak fah gu) 白花菇.

The quality of these mushrooms depend on the season, temperature in which they're grown, humidity, pH levels of the growing medium (often just tree trunks or logs), and all that junk. Winter versions are obviously cultivated in winter when the humidity is lower which helps create the crackled patterns on the cap, and produce meatier caps... mmm meaty.

As you can see from above, there's a discernible difference between good and not so good (usually prices will be a good indicator), which I have outlined below:

NOT SO GOOD

• Very dark cap and stems
• Little or no floral pattern
• Small, wrinkled caps
• Dense
• Thin caps
• Long stems
• Dark gills

GOOD

• Light in colour
• Pronounced floral pattern on cap
• Light in weight
• Large caps
• Thick caps
• Shorter stems
• Delicate-looking
• Pale-coloured gills

Connoisseurs recommend rehydrating dried shiitake in cold (not hot or boiling) water, as hot water will likely "destroy the flavour". I say, "Be a man; do the right thing," but that's just me.

If you're lucky enough to have access to fresh ones (home-grown or in store), you'll probably appreciate the delicate umami flavours more than the dried ones might lack; nonetheless, you should still look for fresh ones that exhibit similar qualities.

(Treehugger posted a step-by-step article on growing shiitake on oak logs. Or you can buy one of these shiitake growing kits from Amazon and have the most disgusting-looking centerpiece in your neighbourhood!) 

Keeping vampires away -- with pizza!

So my other job as a vampire hunter, as you know, takes up a bit of my spare time.

And of the brazillion pizzerias in Montreal, ranging from upscale to substitute for cardboard weather-shields even hobos wouldn't even use, there are a number of places where a part-time vampire hunter like myself can kick back and refuel.

Take for instance one of the newer spots – Pizzeria Magpie – in our (now famously famous) Mile-End neighbourhood; their Bianca pizza is perfect for vampire hunters: roast garlic, bechamel, ham, fresh basil, parlsey, dill and coriander. A must for regular humans and vampire hunters alike! 

[Oh how this Bianca pizza warmed my cold, black heart.]

Here's a shortcut for roasting garlic in the privacy of your own vampire-hunter lair.

1. Take a head of garlic.
2. With a sharp knife, slice off the top without separating the cloves.

3. Place it on aluminium foil and drizzle a moderate amount of olive oil over the head of garlic.
4. Wrap up the aluminium foil and bake it in a toaster oven for 10-20 minutes (depending on size of oven).
5. Remove from the toaster oven, open packet and let cool.
   
6. Squish them out of the garlic sheaths. Eat them on toast, pizza, in sauces, pop them in your mouth, or store them in a tightly covered container, preferably covered in oil. 

[Roast garlic squeezed to perfection.]

As for Magpie, I'd head back when I'm feeling peckish for some tasty vampire-hunting fuel. as it is in the mid-range price-wise, and only AFTER I collect my fang-bounty.

BTW, here's my business card for anyone interested in vampire removal services:

Pizzeria Magpie

16 rue Maguire
www.pizzeriamagpie.com

Look what I made!

[Cocoa meringue doodie cookie!]

I've never had a sweet tooth, especially for strange extra sweet confections like meringue cookies [jump to thekitchn.com] that look like CJ7 left behind. Unfortunately for me (and those subject to my confections), the egg whites didn't hold their form so the cookies kind of collapsed into its turd form.




[A pilfered image of CJ7 from eastday.com who probably pilfered it from the film distributors. Gotta love China!]

Though meringue doesn't require cream of tartar, the acidity helps neutralize the alkalinity in egg whites to give them stability and volume, making the doodie cookies less doodie-like!

My mistake was substituting lime juice for cream of tartar (3 times the required amount of cream of tartar) which added liquid to the egg whites, thus adding water in addition to acidity... big meringue-o no-no!

(Evidently, if you rub cut lemons around the inside of a bowl and let it dry, the white powdery citric acid that is left behind is a good substitute for cream of tartar).

mango armadillos and mango salsa

if some of your friends are jerks, they probably keep secrets from you and call you ugly behind your back.

fortunately, i am not a jerk and i think everyone is equally ugly, therefore i'm nice enough to share this nifty little tidbit on dicing up mangoes.

[mango armadillos!]

1. quarter your mangoes all the way to the pit using a paring knife.
2. slide your knife between the flesh and the pit to loosen the flesh from the pit.
3. score each mango quarter all the way to the skin as in the photo.
4. slide your knife between the mango flesh and skin, as if filleting a fish. you should end up with diced pieces of mango, or if you're unlucky, diced mango with nicks in your fingers.

after dicing your mangos, you can make this great fruit salsa!



mango mango salsa
3 mangos (ataulfo, preferably), diced
1 cup fresh coriander leaves, chopped
1 red pepper, diced
3/4 cup red onion, diced
1 fresh chili pepper, diced
1/3 cup olive oil
salt/pepper to taste

• mix all ingredients together and then eat it with pleasure on fish, meats, roasted or unroasted vegetables, or with tortilla chips or with just a spoon and your guilty conscience.  
• even goes with hot dogs!

can you say quinoa?

i sure can! and how!^*


[quinoa salad with pears, feta and peppers and other stuff (based on the foodland ontario recipe). sweet and tangy, like a disco party in your mouth]

this versatile grain/seed is nutritious, deliciously nutty and an all-round good guy, like the a gay best friend... great sweet or savoury, hot or cold! no wonder the incas were such an innovative and advanced society for their time! smart food for smart people! (though eating smart food won't necessarily make dumbasses any smarter).

here's a cooking tip: use a rice cooker to cook the quinoa, at a 2:1 water to quinoa ratio.

^*that's "keen'-wah" btw.

shortcut caramelised onions

unless you're deathly allergic or get sharp painful pangs in the liver when you consume them, there isn't a person i know who would refuse a dollop of caramelised onions on a burger, on a salad, in quiche or ice cream, even...

often though, one might forego the caramelized onions in favour of less tasty raw onions on a burger, for instance, because cooking onions to the state of caramelisation requires more time, patience and one big beer to drink while you wait for the caramelisation process to complete.

[caramelised onions on sage/onion pork burger with apples and mustard]

but here's a little tip to getting that golden onion tastiness quicker: salt... yes, good ol' NaCL.

toss your bowl of sliced onions with a little bit of salt to help draw the water out and let it sit for about 15 minutes or so (more if you have time). fry them up as per usual over med/med-high in the fat or oil of your choice (about 1 tsp (15 ml) per onion) (and bacon fat tastes best). you'll notice that it takes less time to caramelise than it takes to finish your beer!

you can also deglaze the pan with apple cider or balsamic vinegar or love.

n.b. it's caramelise in canada, not caramelize.